I feel like I contradict myself whenever I write anything on here. Not so long ago I was spouting on about how I was going to trust my instincts, and then last week I go to a class at Plunket about sleeping and crying, and somehow manage to forget everything I thought I knew about my views on sleep training and go ahead and try to sleep train Zephyr. In my defence I was very tired and the thought of a Zephyr that could be put down for a nap instantly, like magic, by just putting him down for a nap seemed like a dream (it still does). But what I didn't realise is that it is, really, just a dream for me with this baby, as he is Zephyr and not some other baby.
So, anyway, I tried to do that whole thing where you settle them, then leave the room, listen to them howl for three minutes, attempt to settle them again, leave the room, feel awful...and so it goes on until someone gives in. It could be seen to have been working for a couple of days, as we were at least doing less rocking and coaxing than before, but really he was just passing out exhausted rather than learning to self soothe.
Perhaps it works for some babies, but all it did for us was drive us to a point on the third day where Zephyr was not settling whether I was in the room or not, even if I picked him up. So, nerves torn to shreds by crying baby, I went to the spare room and sat and looked at my wedding album and tried to harden my heart. He stopped crying after about ten minutes. I went in to check on him - he had thrown up all over his blankets, but yes, he was asleep.
At what cost, I wondered? Do I want to break this child in like a horse? Does he need to cry so much he vomits in order for me to have any easier job of getting him to take some rest? I felt physically ill. The look on his sleeping face was one of shock. I read some articles (should have done this before hand, I see now) about sleep training and realised that what he done was disassociated himself from what was a very stressful situation. The vomit was a result of the power of his crying, and the sleep was a result of the stress. I wasn't going to do it anymore. I cleaned him up (he slept through this) and waited in the living room feeling like a monster, for him to wake so I could cuddle him. I got his toys all lined up in a circle on the mat so he could play when he woke, after a nice feed to full that now empty stomach. I got a towel and facecloth ready so we could have a bath together, a favourite activity we usually only share on weekends.
I could blame misinformation from the slightly old-fashioned Plunket nurse on this harrowing experience - which, by the way, took us back about two weeks in Zephyr's sleep patterns as he became more distrustful of being left alone in the room; suddenly he was waking just after he fell asleep and needed us there for a good fifteen minutes after he shut his eyes; we had made it worse - but what has made me so susceptible to the views of others? I find that aside from the days when I have had plenty of sleep (ha), I feel uncertain about what I am doing with this kid. Maybe I should have read more books about parenting and less books about birthing, seeing as the birth didn't exactly go as planned. Maybe I should stop talking to anyone about their babies, but then I think I would go slightly mad (der). Maybe I should just relax.
All in all, Zephyr is a happy baby who loves activity and interaction. He smiles at anyone, from the supermarket check out operator to the baby in the mirror. He has just started to laugh, which is outrageously cute. And he doesn't seem to have any pressing health issues. The problem with this baby game is that the first time you play, you're doing it for real, with another human life. A practice round would have been nice, but then again, the population would probably be dwindling if that was a possibility, once people realised just how little sleep you really get when you have a baby.
So with last week relegated to the 'oops' basket, we continue on, learning and trying to find a stance we are all comfortable with.
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