Performing magic

Lately, we have been having trouble sleeping. (Well, I have no trouble sleeping at all, in fact I could sleep right now, anytime really, but I am trying to be compassionate here). We have been up approximately every three hours with insatiable hunger for Mother's Milk. It doesn't seem to matter what we do; we eat all day to see if that makes us less hungry at night: no; we eat every three hours to make sure we are hungry enough at each feed: no difference; we get lots of naps in so we are not overtired when it comes to bedtime: still the same; we stay up longer to get us plenty tired for bedtime: definitely not, and not worth the trouble.

It seems I just have a growing boy on my hands, and being his only food source, there is nothing I can do but wait it out. And suffer. There is a slight positive to being this tired. My body has started to do some pretty interesting things. Sometimes the world feels as though it is rocking slightly; sometimes my eyes create patterns in the plain fabric of the curtains; I can see the atmosphere, like I am watching grainy footage from an old movie. But these psychedelic moments are overshadowed by an overwhelming longing to sleeeeeep. Oh, to sleep. I keep thinking of when I was a teenager and I used to get up after midday in the weekends. Imagine.

Despite the sleep deprivation, at 3.5 months, Zephyr is nothing short of delightful. He has become the king of smiles. His smile is wide and gummy and packs a lot of emotion. He smiles, and then he smiles wider, and then he smiles even wider, and then, sometimes, he throws in a little laugh. He smiles at strangers in the supermarket; he smiles at his grandparents, with much positive reinforcement; he smiles at me while taking a quick pause during his feeds and manages to wake me from my stupor, where I smile back, in spite of the fact that it is 4am and I supposed to be avoiding eye contact.

Part of the delight to be gained from this growing bundle of joy is that he is now at an age where he can watch and listen and react to his surroundings. While pushing Zephyr in his brand new stroller the other day (never has there been such a proud and excited 3-month old to have a buggy!) I spied a dandelion in full fluffy seed and just waiting to be strewn into the breeze. I stopped and plucked it and walked into the baby's view, took a deep breath, and...fairies, everywhere, flying all around his face and sticking to his jacket and blanky. His eyes widened and he smiled. This was a smile of wonder.

I realised then that in spite of not having slept more than a few hours at a time in over three months, I held a new sense of power, perhaps worth the Z deprivation. I am now a magician. I am the holder of the key to all the tricks of the world. I can click my fingers, I can clap my hands, I can splash the water in the bath, I can catch a ball, I can crunch an apple, I can tickle, I can blow fairies from a dandelion. I am magical.