I'm not listing my complaints here for no reason, but to explain that sometimes, more often than the stubbornly independent woman in me wishes to admit, I need my mother. And that was definitely one of those weeks. Being alone with a baby during the day when you have a nose like a tap is not fun, nor is trying to change a nappy when you can only see from one eye.
Living away from the city where our families are means that independence is not only allowed, but enforced. Other new mothers tell me I am lucky to have the freedom to spend the day with my baby without being obliged to feed him and pass him on, "like a cow" as one friend put it. So the upside is the extended babymoon we are being allowed, where we can bond with our baby without interruption, and figure him out without (however well-meaning) advice.
Of course (and I'm not just saying this because they are probably reading this...love you all!) we didn't move to Queenstown to be away from our families. We moved here for the lifestyle and environment, the beauty of the mountains and the freshness of the air. And I appreciate these things every time I step outside, from the deer that are speckled on the farmland at the end of the road, to the lake and its changing colours as the light grows and fades each day. Right now I am in love with the autumn leaves and all the red and purple berries that have appeared in all the trees, and the perfect storybook toadstools that grow beneath them.
But aside from this, working my way through problems with our little baby, however short-lived they may be, I do appreciate the fact that I have the space to figure them out for myself when I need to. Maybe the baby is taking too long to fall asleep at night and we're spending hours rocking him, or he wants to feed hourly in the afternoon. Whenever I share one of these problems, be it with a family member, friend, or professional (such a Plunket nurse), I find that their views on the topic leave me doubting myself. I change my stance on the solution, all the while feeling that it is not quite right, and almost always return to my original ideas later, having found that I was instinctively doing the right thing by me and my baby in the first place.
There have been exceptions of course, and advice from those who have been there is often welcome when I'm struggling. But I find I am gaining the confidence to trust myself as a parent and do what I feel is right from the beginning, instead of following the advice of books, websites and other parents.
After all, while he does fall asleep nicely to a white noise wave soundtrack, as advised by both friends and many a baby website, who could have told me that my baby would fall asleep just as well to the soulful sounds of Cat Power?
